Possibilities
a feral child raised by wolves in the wilds of south dakota and speaking no known language
after MLA saboteurs killed his parents in a gruesome dictionary disaster he devoted himself to ridding the world of linear language
granted superhuman powers by an ancient god found in a dusty tome of shakespeare, the author has committed himself to righting the linguistic wrongs of the world
when a library accident hideously scarred his features he retired to a life of seclusion and semantic obscurity
a crack team of government-trained surgeons put him together with one purpose
he writes these things with his toes on an old typewriter bequeathed to him by his grandfather. it is cold and his fingers are encased within warm woolen mittens. they itch. at night wolves bay beneath his window as they feed on his scraps and leavings. their paper-rich diet has made them whisper-thin and leathery. they creak as they walk. their howls are like unto the turning of pages. it is cold outside the house, and there is nothing more to be seen. it snows.
there is no truth to the rumor that he is cruising with elvis in bigfoots ufo. although he has been known to play cribbage with bat-boy.
True Stories
summer 1988 and i am working as a house painter in south dakota and in south dakota there are more barns that need painting than houses that need painting so i am painting barns and one afternoon in my first month on the job i discover that i have been singing the oscar meyer weiner song to myself for the past 3 hours i guess the barns are not really important to this anecdote
i have this fuchsia-colored beret that I bought in a used-clothing store in minneapolis in the late 1980s it is indeed the kind you find in a used-clothing store in minneapolis
Other Possibilities